“Make My Day - American Reporter” plus 4 more

Make My Day - American Reporter
Kevin Tancharoen's 'Fame' for the 21st century - Los Angeles Times
To help boys, school creates the poster men for reading - Philadelphia Inquirer
Can you say 'cha-CHING'? - Times & Democrat
Britney Spears Upgrades The Greatest Hits Album - Undercover Music News

Posted: 28 Sep 2009 12:05 AM PDT

Make My Day
PARIS FOR PREZ
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Indianapolis, Indiana

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- It was the snit heard 'round the world. The snarky, scantily-clad video response that got pundits tongues wagging about something other than politics, at least until their wives saw them. Maybe its echo has faded from the news, but it still makes me wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Paris Hilton says she's running for President.

The vapid blond heiress and star of "The Simple Life," announced her candidacy in a spoof video on FunnyOrDie.com. Hilton said she was running because that "wrinkly white-haired guy" - John McCain, for those of you emerging from under your rocks - used her image in a television spot against his opponent, presumptive President of the United States, Barack Obama.

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too," she said without a sense of irony or shame. "Only I'm not from the olden days, and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot."

Oh man, this is really bad. I've always been a big supporter of third party candidates, but my one litmus test is whether they can even spell "candidate." And that they haven't starred in an Internet sex video/ I swear, if she wins, I'm moving to Canada with Alec Baldwin, unless he chickens out like he did last time. (Big wussy. The guy swore up and down he would move to Canada if George Bush became President, but we're stuck with him and his 17 brothers.) Still, I don't think she's got a real shot, so I'll probably be here for a while.

"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which means I guess I'm running for President," she continued. Yeah, right. By that logic, since her boyfriend used her in that sex video, I guess that would make her a slut. . .

Uh, oh. This is worse than I thought! Do they get the NFL in Canada? Can I get the Dish Network to work up there?

"So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude, and I want America to know I'm, like, totally ready to lead."

Oh, good, as long as you're totally ready. I mean, we wouldn't want someone who was , like, only concerned about whether certain other world leaders are, like, hot, or whether the White House clashes with her outfits. She'll probably appoint Extreme Makerover's Ty Pennington the Secretary of the Department of the Interior to make sure.

"I'll see you at the White House," she concluded. "Oh, and I might paint it pink."

Looks like I've got a tough decision to make. Do I go for the big city or the small town? I've been to Toronto, and it's a nice city with a strong arts community. But if I lived in a smaller town, I'd be closer to nature and some really good fishing. Dryden, Ontario is gorgeous in the summer.

But even as I pace the floor and gnaw on my fingernails, I have to admit, her energy policy made some sense.

"We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way, offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in, which will create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved. I'll see you at the debates, bitches."

But then she, like, totally shot herself in the foot when she said she was considering Rihanna, the R&B artist, as her vice presidential nominee.

Come on! Rihanna?! Are you kidding me? Everyone knows she doesn't have the foreign affairs experience needed to re-establish the U.S. as a world leader. Plus, she was born in Barbados, so she's not a natural-born American citizen, which means she can't take on that role.

While some people would say Britney Spears, Hilton's fellow celeb and John McCain commercial target, is the emotional favorite, I think Cameron Diaz is the better choice. She can shore up the Hispanic vote and improve relations with Latin America. Of course, you'll also need Ashton Kutcher to head up the Department of Homeland Security (Hey Iran, you've been punk'd!). And what do you think of Scarlett Johansen as the Secretary of State... ?

Uh, excuse me. I don't know what came over me. If anything, I'm worrying too much about something that will never happen. Hilton is only 27, eight years too young to run for president, which means I don't have to worry about a global disaster for eight more years. But with her sordid past, I doubt she could even be elected dogcatcher of Putnam County.

Besides, I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will be out of rehab and ready to run for Senate by 2016.

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Kevin Tancharoen's 'Fame' for the 21st century - Los Angeles Times

Posted: 28 Sep 2009 12:26 AM PDT

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To help boys, school creates the poster men for reading - Philadelphia Inquirer

Posted: 27 Sep 2009 11:57 PM PDT

Last September, if you had asked Nehemiah Wimbish what he thought of reading, chances are he would have rated it down there with doing math and eating tomatoes. Yuck, yuck, and nasty.

So how could it be that the same boy and several sixth-grade pals were making the rounds at their Glassboro middle school last week, touting the joys of the written word to other boys like themselves?

"We got inspired by seeing people read," Nehemiah, 11, told one fourth-grade class. "We want to encourage young men like y'all to do well."

Why the sea change? The answer was in three words printed on their T-shirts:

Real Men Read.

That's the name of a campaign started last school year at Glassboro's Thomas E. Bowe School to locally address a national concern - boys falling behind academically, particularly in literacy.

Basic-skills teacher Marilu Bicknell said she had been inspired after attending a workshop about boys and books last fall.

"I came back, and I said, 'Oh, my God, I have an idea!' " she said.

It went like this. In a nod to the American Library Association's posters of celebrities and their favorite reads, Bicknell started approaching local heroes - teachers, district employees, police officers, community and government leaders, all men the students see around school and town - and having them pose for posters with a book or magazine of their choice.

Next, teachers were asked to identify their more reluctant readers.

About 40 boys were invited to a breakfast with some of the men in the posters, who talked to them about books and reading.

Over the year, the number of boys taking part in Real Men Read nearly doubled by the celebratory end-of-term pizza party. Businesses and civic groups have offered support, and the boys got gift vouchers for books and recognition from local officials. A tailgate party is being discussed. And the posters keep coming.

"It's catching on like wildfire," said principal Kriston Matthews, who shares his poster with Newsweek magazine and an article on the male achievement gap, a topic long of concern to him. "People want to come in and get their pictures taken."

Granted, the Glassboro poster guys may not have the star power of the Jonas Brothers, Cole Hamels, Britney Spears, or Shaquille O'Neal - to name a few of the library association's celebrities.

But that's not to say the Bowe posters don't grab one's attention. Reading's cool factor definitely shot up after Brian Douthitt, who does building maintenance for the district, posed with his very hot Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail and a touring handbook for bikers. Among the kids, who knew?

"He's become a legend because of that poster," Matthews said.

Douthitt takes it in stride.

"If it could get one kid to read, that's enough," he said.

And lots of the other posters get their share of attention. Mark Silverstein, the district's new superintendent, won student kudos for his choice of a book about the world-champion Phillies and for being a 33-year season-ticket holder.

Mayor Leo McCabe has a poster, as does Police Chief Alex Fanfarillo and some of his officers. George H. Johnson Jr., a Glassboro alumnus and Rutgers University football player, is pictured with a book about dogs. And students have been known to note what their teachers like to read according to their poster.

Of course, girls look at the posters, too. Bicknell said she had gotten "What about us?" questions from some female students. She said she was considering a program for them, possibly one about careers. But Bicknell, Matthews, and others at Bowe had seen particular challenges getting boys to read.

"Every year, you encounter - and they're usually boys - students who are very reluctant readers," sixth-grade teacher Andrea LoCastro said.

While she has seen more interest in reading among the boys who took part in Real Men Read last year, LoCastro will track performance this year to see if the program is improving measures such as test scores and grades.

The Real Men boys say it has made a difference.

"I used to get Cs. Now I'm starting to get Bs," said Noah Warner, 12, sporting a Real Men Read T-shirt. He used to find reading boring, he said, but now enjoys books about sports and animals.

Brandon Roland, 11, recommended the youth novel Superfudge, by Judy Blume. A year ago, he might not have even known about it.

"I actually hated reading," he said. Then his teacher talked him into joining the program.

"I never knew reading could be so fun," he said.

Michael Turner, 11, said the Real Men Read posters helped him recognize the variety of books out there. He said he was looking forward to more Real Men Read parties this year, but he also has his own ambitions.

In the short term, he wants to read books even bigger than the Harry Potter he's working on. In the long run, he said, "I want to be a teacher."

Real men teach, too.

Contact staff writer Rita Giordano at 856-779-3841 or rgiordano@phillynews.com.

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Can you say 'cha-CHING'? - Times & Democrat

Posted: 27 Sep 2009 09:41 PM PDT

This is just too good to pass up.

It was recently announced that Ballantine Books, an imprint of Random House, will print an "inspirational memoir" penned by Gov. Mark Sanford's wife, Jenny.

The publisher went on to say that Mrs. Sanford "will grapple with the universal issue of maintaining integrity and a sense of self during life's difficult times."

Can you say "cha-CHING?"

If it's true that success is the best revenge, Jenny should be able to exact enough of Mark's flesh to put a pound on display in every county in South Carolina. The resulting financial windfall will be so huge the governor will have to beg his wife, rather than the General Assembly, to replenish the state's rainy day fund.

For just a moment, forget that this book should hit the New York Times best-seller list in less than a week. Also forget that it will probably be in every bathroom and on every coffee table in the Palmetto State exactly 24 hours after its release.

I say the real profits will come from libraries across country. The book's popularity will force them to secure at least two copies. One for the Fiction section, the other in Reference. That's because every woman from the Dark Corner to Hilton Head will be looking for the tips I'm sure Mrs. Sanford will have in print. For example:

"If you suspect your husband of cheating, secure a GPS device inside the crotch of his trousers. Wherever he drops them, you'll have the drop on him." -- Chapter Two, "Tracking the Elusive Cur."

"Never, ever let him forget his indiscretions. Lock in a new ring tone for his cell phone. I find Britney Spears' "Oops! I Did It Again" works wonders." -- Chapter Five, "So You Wanna Play Head Games, Huh?"

"Send out nasty letters to his professional acquaintances under his signature. The piling on by his workplace enemies will provide you with hours of enjoyment." -- Chapter Seven, "Say Sayonara to Your Aspirations."

I have another prediction. In her next book, Jenny Sanford will offer her views on the failed foreign and family values policies of the Republican Party. The author will use her husband, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and Maria Belen Shapur as examples that prove her theories.

I can see it now. The working title will be, "Dumbo, Dimbo and Bimbo."

* T&D Staff Writer Phil Sarata can be reached by e-mail at psarata@timesanddemocrat.com or by phone at 803-533-5540.

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Britney Spears Upgrades The Greatest Hits Album - Undercover Music News

Posted: 27 Sep 2009 08:23 PM PDT

by Paul Cashmere - September 28 2009

Britney Spears will have a new song called `3` on her upcoming greatest hits `The Singles Collection`.

The previously unreleased '3' is another Max Martin creation. Martin also wrote the Britney hits '…Baby One More Time', 'Oops I Did It Again' and '(You Drive Me) Crazy'.

Britney announced on Twitter back in June that she was working on the new song with the Swedish songwriter.

'The Singles Collection' will be released in November.

Tracks are:

Britney Spears Singles Collection Track list

3 (new)
Baby One More Time (from Baby One More Time)
(You Drive Me) Crazy (from Baby One More Time)
Born To Make You Happy (from Baby One More Time)
Oops… I Did It Again (from Oops I Did It Again)
Stronger (from Oops I Did It Again)
I'm A Slave 4U (from Britney)
I'm Not A Girl, Not A Woman Yet (from Britney)
Boys (from Britney)
Me Against The Music (from In The Zone)
Toxic (from In The Zone)
Everytime (from In The Zone)
Gimme More (from Blackout)
Piece Of Me (from Blackout)
Womanizer (from Circus)
Circus (from Circus)
If U Seek Amy (from Circus)
Radar (from Circus)