plus 3, Make My Day - American Reporter |
- Make My Day - American Reporter
- JACOBS: I’m sorry, in advance - Corsicana Daily Sun
- Rihanna asks fans to name fragrance - New Kerala
- Pacfans can still attend 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' free - Examiner
| Make My Day - American Reporter Posted: 27 Feb 2010 09:08 PM PST Make My Day PARIS FOR PREZ by Erik Deckers American Reporter Humor Writer Indianapolis, Indiana
Printable version of this story INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- It was the snit heard 'round the world. The snarky, scantily-clad video response that got pundits tongues wagging about something other than politics, at least until their wives saw them. Maybe its echo has faded from the news, but it still makes me wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Paris Hilton says she's running for President. The vapid blond heiress and star of "The Simple Life," announced her candidacy in a spoof video on FunnyOrDie.com. Hilton said she was running because that "wrinkly white-haired guy" - John McCain, for those of you emerging from under your rocks - used her image in a television spot against his opponent, presumptive President of the United States, Barack Obama. "Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too," she said without a sense of irony or shame. "Only I'm not from the olden days, and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot." Oh man, this is really bad. I've always been a big supporter of third party candidates, but my one litmus test is whether they can even spell "candidate." And that they haven't starred in an Internet sex video/ I swear, if she wins, I'm moving to Canada with Alec Baldwin, unless he chickens out like he did last time. (Big wussy. The guy swore up and down he would move to Canada if George Bush became President, but we're stuck with him and his 17 brothers.) Still, I don't think she's got a real shot, so I'll probably be here for a while. "But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which means I guess I'm running for President," she continued. Yeah, right. By that logic, since her boyfriend used her in that sex video, I guess that would make her a slut. . . Uh, oh. This is worse than I thought! Do they get the NFL in Canada? Can I get the Dish Network to work up there? "So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude, and I want America to know I'm, like, totally ready to lead." Oh, good, as long as you're totally ready. I mean, we wouldn't want someone who was , like, only concerned about whether certain other world leaders are, like, hot, or whether the White House clashes with her outfits. She'll probably appoint Extreme Makerover's Ty Pennington the Secretary of the Department of the Interior to make sure. "I'll see you at the White House," she concluded. "Oh, and I might paint it pink." Looks like I've got a tough decision to make. Do I go for the big city or the small town? I've been to Toronto, and it's a nice city with a strong arts community. But if I lived in a smaller town, I'd be closer to nature and some really good fishing. Dryden, Ontario is gorgeous in the summer. But even as I pace the floor and gnaw on my fingernails, I have to admit, her energy policy made some sense. "We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way, offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in, which will create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved. I'll see you at the debates, bitches." But then she, like, totally shot herself in the foot when she said she was considering Rihanna, the R&B artist, as her vice presidential nominee. Come on! Rihanna?! Are you kidding me? Everyone knows she doesn't have the foreign affairs experience needed to re-establish the U.S. as a world leader. Plus, she was born in Barbados, so she's not a natural-born American citizen, which means she can't take on that role. While some people would say Britney Spears, Hilton's fellow celeb and John McCain commercial target, is the emotional favorite, I think Cameron Diaz is the better choice. She can shore up the Hispanic vote and improve relations with Latin America. Of course, you'll also need Ashton Kutcher to head up the Department of Homeland Security (Hey Iran, you've been punk'd!). And what do you think of Scarlett Johansen as the Secretary of State... ? Uh, excuse me. I don't know what came over me. If anything, I'm worrying too much about something that will never happen. Hilton is only 27, eight years too young to run for president, which means I don't have to worry about a global disaster for eight more years. But with her sordid past, I doubt she could even be elected dogcatcher of Putnam County. Besides, I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will be out of rehab and ready to run for Senate by 2016.
Copyright 2010 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.
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| JACOBS: I’m sorry, in advance - Corsicana Daily Sun Posted: 27 Feb 2010 06:44 PM PST Another take on the Tiger Woods saga— Tiger Woods didn't owe me an apology. I can't recall ever watching one of his games all the way through, although I've certainly seen enough film clips on the nightly news, or "60 Minutes." He seemed like a nice enough person, and he's broken some serious barriers of perception for both Thais and African-Americans in his sport. I would not call myself a fan except that if I saw him walking across Beaton Street one day I'd recognize him, which is actually saying a lot. That one of the world's richest young men, a guy at whom thousands of people throw themselves each year, who also travels hundreds of days out of each year, would cheat on his pretty wife isn't exactly shocking in this day and age, or even the last one, or the one before that. There have always been actors, politicians or athletes, to whom enormous opportunities for good and bad are offered. I think it takes an extraordinary person to stand up to that kind of tidal wave of attention and still stick to his or her promises. So the fact that Tiger apologized to his fans, their children, his sponsors and the world in general seems almost overkill to me. He wasn't married to me, or his fans (well, except one, presumbly), and he didn't cheat on them (except that one). His wife deserves an enormous apology for all the humiliation she's been through since Thanksgiving, and hopefully she's gotten one. And if rumors are to be believed, she also got $300 million if she'll stay with him another two years. Those kinds of figures make Kobe Bryant's $4 million "I'm sorry" ring for his wife seem kind of petty now. When it comes to these kinds of embarrassing situations, Hugh Grant handled it best after he got caught with a woman to whom he was not emotionally involved. He went on Jay Leno's show, and was honest, funny and self-deprecating, and really impressed me with his grace under pressure. Sure, a small amount of breast-beating and hanging your head in shame is called for (I'm talking to you, Michael Vick), but Tiger's been in a treatment facility for six weeks. I think the only way treatment would be successful is if they could somehow take him out of that environment of wealth, privilege, attention, and ego. And unless he gives up being the best golfer playing today, what are the odds there? A few years ago we had a bunch of apologies in a row when Mark Foley said he regretted sexually harassing congressional pages, Britney Spears said she was sorry she was a ditz, the pope said he was sorry for being insensitive, Michael Richards (the creepy guy from "Seinfeld") said he was sorry for being a creep, Rush Limbaugh said he was wrong for making fun of Michael J. Fox's disability and Mel Gibson said he was sorry for acting crazy. Now, we're only two months into the year and we've already gotten apologies from Toyota, Tiger, Rahm Emanuel, George Hill, and others I've already forgotten about. Here's the deal: Except for congress persons, none of those people owed the general public an apology, in my opinion. They're entertainers who are supposed to act in a slightly skewed and shocking manner, so the fact that they'd act in a skewed and shocking way is part of the package. OK, it's the messy part, but if you keep a dog you should expect some muddy paws. Politicians are another matter, altogether. A congressman who gets into something illegal/immoral does owe his voters and constituents an apology because he has become less effective and can't do the job as well anymore. If Tiger's short game was interfering with his work on the green, it would be a different issue altogether, wouldn't it? Sometimes, it's the lack of an apology that's the most amusing part of any scandal. When Rahm Emanuel, the president's chief of staff, called a bunch of liberals of the Democratic party "retarded," he apologized to people who are developmentally challenged for using the term as a slur. He never did apologize to the liberals. ————— Janet Jacobs is a Daily Sun staff writer. Her column appears on Sundays. She may be reached by e-mail at jacobs@corsicanadailysun.com. Want to "Soudnoff" on this column? E-mail: soundoff@corsicanadailysun.com Five Filters featured article: Chilcot Inquiry. Available tools: PDF Newspaper, Full Text RSS, Term Extraction. |
| Rihanna asks fans to name fragrance - New Kerala Posted: 27 Feb 2010 08:10 PM PST
London, Feb 27 : American singer Rihanna is calling on her fans to help choose a name for her new perfume.
The "Umbrella" hitmaker is set to follow in the footsteps of other celebrity perfumers including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez by launching her first fragrance later this year, reports dailystar.co.uk. After initially naming the scent "Route 22", the singer has decided to reconsider the title. Rihanna has now asked her loyal followers to contribute their suggestions via rihhanadaily.com to help find a suitable name for the new fragrance. --IANS
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| Pacfans can still attend 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' free - Examiner Posted: 27 Feb 2010 05:11 PM PST b o x i n g Boxing's number pound-for-pound box office attraction, fighter of the decade, fighter of the year for 2009, and Philippine congressional candidate, Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao, will make his second appearance on ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live. The Filipino prize fighter will appear on the popular late-night talk show this Wednesday, March 3rd at 12:05am EST. Fans can still acquire free tickets to the taped showing. Fans are cautioned to request only the number of tickets they will actually use or risk not being allowed entrance into future 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' shows. The taping is held in Los Angeles, California and the arrival time is 5:30pm. The show originates from Disney's El Capitan Entertainment Center, located on Hollywood Boulevard in the heart of LA's star studded Walk of Fame. Other questions may be directed at: (866) JIMMY-TIX (Tuesday through Friday from 1pm-4pm). SEE: Clottey Training Photos 1 Clottey Training Photos 2 About 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' >Emmy-winner Jimmy Kimmel serves as host and executive producer of Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC Television Network's distinctive late-night talk show. The show features a diverse lineup of guests, including celebrities, athletes, comedians, politicians and human interest subjects. Along with a light-hearted and recognizable cast of characters, a hip house band and comedy bits in Kimmel's inimitable style, the show additionally offers one of the funniest, freshest monologues on television today, drawing from all forms of topical media. In its fifth season, Jimmy Kimmel Live is enjoying a ratings boost and has featured such high profile regular guests as George Clooney, Britney Spears, Jennifer Garner, Robin Williams, Shaquille O'Neal, Clay Aiken, Eva Longoria, Eminem, Diane Sawyer, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, Jessica Alba, Simon Cowell, Janet Reno, Kiefer Sutherland, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Kelly Ripa, Jack Black, Teri Hatcher, Sir Ian McKellen and Mariah Carey; plus musical guests Coldplay, 50 Cent, Foo Fighters, Blink 182, Destiny's Child, Jane's Addiction, Toby Keith, Gwen Stefani, Audioslave, Nelly, Motley Crue, Green Day, Barry Manilow, Franz Ferdinand, Lionel Richie, The Wiggles and Alanis Morissette since its premiere on Super Bowl Sunday, January 26, 2003. Manny Pacquiao defends his WBO welterweight title against Ghanaian Joshua Clottey on March 13th at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas. - International Sports Examiner
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