plus 3, Make My Day - American Reporter

Make My Day - American Reporter
A Few of My Favorite Things - New University Newspaper
Does Zuma have right to privacy? - Tonight South Africa
Fans burning to see favorite acts at music fest - Sioux City Journal

Posted: 12 Feb 2010 10:30 PM PST

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Make My Day
PARIS FOR PREZ
by Erik Deckers
American Reporter Humor Writer
Indianapolis, Indiana

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INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- It was the snit heard 'round the world. The snarky, scantily-clad video response that got pundits tongues wagging about something other than politics, at least until their wives saw them. Maybe its echo has faded from the news, but it still makes me wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Paris Hilton says she's running for President.

The vapid blond heiress and star of "The Simple Life," announced her candidacy in a spoof video on FunnyOrDie.com. Hilton said she was running because that "wrinkly white-haired guy" - John McCain, for those of you emerging from under your rocks - used her image in a television spot against his opponent, presumptive President of the United States, Barack Obama.

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too," she said without a sense of irony or shame. "Only I'm not from the olden days, and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot."

Oh man, this is really bad. I've always been a big supporter of third party candidates, but my one litmus test is whether they can even spell "candidate." And that they haven't starred in an Internet sex video/ I swear, if she wins, I'm moving to Canada with Alec Baldwin, unless he chickens out like he did last time. (Big wussy. The guy swore up and down he would move to Canada if George Bush became President, but we're stuck with him and his 17 brothers.) Still, I don't think she's got a real shot, so I'll probably be here for a while.

"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which means I guess I'm running for President," she continued. Yeah, right. By that logic, since her boyfriend used her in that sex video, I guess that would make her a slut. . .

Uh, oh. This is worse than I thought! Do they get the NFL in Canada? Can I get the Dish Network to work up there?

"So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude, and I want America to know I'm, like, totally ready to lead."

Oh, good, as long as you're totally ready. I mean, we wouldn't want someone who was , like, only concerned about whether certain other world leaders are, like, hot, or whether the White House clashes with her outfits. She'll probably appoint Extreme Makerover's Ty Pennington the Secretary of the Department of the Interior to make sure.

"I'll see you at the White House," she concluded. "Oh, and I might paint it pink."

Looks like I've got a tough decision to make. Do I go for the big city or the small town? I've been to Toronto, and it's a nice city with a strong arts community. But if I lived in a smaller town, I'd be closer to nature and some really good fishing. Dryden, Ontario is gorgeous in the summer.

But even as I pace the floor and gnaw on my fingernails, I have to admit, her energy policy made some sense.

"We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way, offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in, which will create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved. I'll see you at the debates, bitches."

But then she, like, totally shot herself in the foot when she said she was considering Rihanna, the R&B artist, as her vice presidential nominee.

Come on! Rihanna?! Are you kidding me? Everyone knows she doesn't have the foreign affairs experience needed to re-establish the U.S. as a world leader. Plus, she was born in Barbados, so she's not a natural-born American citizen, which means she can't take on that role.

While some people would say Britney Spears, Hilton's fellow celeb and John McCain commercial target, is the emotional favorite, I think Cameron Diaz is the better choice. She can shore up the Hispanic vote and improve relations with Latin America. Of course, you'll also need Ashton Kutcher to head up the Department of Homeland Security (Hey Iran, you've been punk'd!). And what do you think of Scarlett Johansen as the Secretary of State... ?

Uh, excuse me. I don't know what came over me. If anything, I'm worrying too much about something that will never happen. Hilton is only 27, eight years too young to run for president, which means I don't have to worry about a global disaster for eight more years. But with her sordid past, I doubt she could even be elected dogcatcher of Putnam County.

Besides, I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will be out of rehab and ready to run for Senate by 2016.

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A Few of My Favorite Things - New University Newspaper

Posted: 12 Feb 2010 10:58 PM PST

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Before I say anything of possible importance, I have a few words regarding my column from a couple weeks ago.
As far as Kansas goes, I have nothing against the state; I was merely stating my reaction upon seeing it for the first time. I am sure it is a fabulous place to live and even go to school. Maybe at some point I will return to 'America's Heartland' and get as much out of it as I possibly can. I apologize to anyone who I may have offended; that was not my intention, but I appreciate your responses all the same. Now, onto other things…
This week, I have resorted to a list format, with a few random things on my mind:

1) 'Water for Elephants.' No, providing beverages to circus animals is not a new hobby. I am referring to a novel by Sara Gruen. Set in the Depression era, the book tells the story of Jacob, a young man who finds himself on the road with the Benzini Brothers Circus. Sounds strange, but I cannot put it down. Be sure to check it out.

2) 'Blackout.' How ironic that the title of Britney Spears' album is probably something she has been suffering from for a while now. Oh well, we all know she is not the sanest woman in the world these days. However, it seems that the former pop princess has finally done something right with her latest record. Quit laughing, this is actually fun music! Putting aside the fact that I am an old-school Spears fan, I really think this album is worth listening to. Even if you don't like it after hearing it, think of it as your good deed for a sad soul (Spears, not me).

3) Yogurtland. Yes, I know that everyone and their mother have been raving about this place, but I just cannot help myself. Move over Golden Spoon because Yogurtland is definitely a delicious land of frozen yogurt. You can't help but smile the second you walk in, thanks to the vibrant colors and friendly employees. The 15 or so flavors and the dozens of toppings make you feel as if you've seen the Holy Land. Add to this the more than reasonable pricing (30 cents an ounce), and Yogurtland is quite possibly the perfect place for a yogurt fiend such as myself.

4) 'America's Most Smartest Model.' Want to feel way smarter than you already do? Watch five minutes of this VH1 show. It's completely stupid, but very entertaining. Fourteen models who (seriously) think they are highly intellectual live together and compete by attempting to answer ridiculous trivia questions by Ben Stein. The last time I saw it, a model got a question wrong and was forced to eat a gigantic piece of cake. I'm sorry, but that's fantastic. After 'America's Next Top Model,' this show is hilariously refreshing.

5) Rasterbation. Nope, it has nothing to do with a certain word that happens to rhyme with it, so get your mind out of the gutter. Maybe I am just slow to learn about the latest technology, but the Rasterbator is an online mechanism that breaks up an image into tiny little pieces. You print the pieces, cut them out and tape them together. It sounds lame, but it is really very cool. Visit homokaasu.org/rasterbator for more information.
These are just a few things that I am currently amused with and that have been on my mind lately. Everyone likes to discover new or entertaining places, links and TV shows. The way I see it, you need amusement every now and then.

Popularity: unranked [?]

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Does Zuma have right to privacy? - Tonight South Africa

Posted: 12 Feb 2010 10:58 PM PST

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February 12, 2010

By Zane Henry

Within the lengthy column inches and op-ed diatribes around Jacob Zuma and his extra-curricular activities, not many words have been dedicated to the validity of his call for privacy.

Nobody cares. Not the siesies in taxis, not businessmen in board meetings, not construction workers atop half-built hotels and certainly not newspaper bosses in editorial meetings. The people are pissed off.

The denunciation of Zuma has been loud and echoing. His supporters are either silent or disapproving. The "Father of the Nation" jokes continue unabated. And all the while, he calls for privacy on a matter which he considers to be personal.

Considering his appeal leads one from the firm ground of fact to the morass of shifting semantics.

According to South Africa's Press Code of Professional Practice: "In both news and comment, the press shall exercise exceptional care and consideration in matters involving the private lives and concerns of individuals, bearing in mind that any right to privacy may be overridden by a legitimate public interest."

It's that bit at the end there that fascinates me most... "legitimate public interest". Media regulators concede it is impossible to render that phrase in black and white. The lines connecting those three words can be smudged and redrawn to suit the case, though never entirely erased.

In Zuma's case, this legitimate public interest is present in its relation to the president's standing as a role model and proponent of safe sex as a means of controlling the spread of HIV/Aids.

Debates on moral currency and cultural differences aside, the latest incident casts doubts on his commitment to, and depth of regard for, the seriousness of the situation. The Sunday Times had a clear right to run with the story, despite Zuma's assertion that it was an invasion of his privacy.

It's particularly rich of JZ to call for privacy after courting the media in his spread-shot charm offensive, inviting the press to his weddings and so forth. It's a matter of common sense, if not common law, that any president of a democratic country cannot have his public persona separated from his personal life.

What does this mean for other famous people? Especially when one takes the term "public interest" literally. Do we have a right to know what tampons Britney Spears uses? Or what Brangelina's brood have for brunch? The Heat-buying, TMZ-reading public certainly seems interested in the shenanigans of celebs. The intensification of celebrity obsession and the cult of personality has led to a belief that public figures who make their living from what they do in the public eye have sold their right to privacy and are subject to continuous and rigorous public scrutiny. Any indiscretions on their part are seen as a betrayal of public trust.

Tiger Woods, John Terry and our own Joost van der Westhuizen made good money from sport and consequent product endorsement deals. Each of them branded themselves as stand-up, straight-laced family men. Was it in the "legitimate public interest" for us to know about their shared tendency to play the girl, not the ball?

There are many factors governing the kind of news that is covered in traditional media: amongst them market pressure, press regulators like ombudspeople, and, of course, public interest. That last bit at the end there is what you have control over. So, public, tell us, what interests you?

Contact zane.henry@inl.co.za

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Politicians, key municipal officers and leaders of parastatals are employed by the people and are therefore answerable to the people. We can ignore sports and film 'stars' by voting with our feet, so their situation is different. In the case of Zuma, his position means that when his private life is contradictory to the policies and advice given by the government and learned institutions, then we have a right to know. When his conduct, whether sexual, alleged corruption or whatever, is clearly at odds with policies, law or common sense then we must be free to judge him based on the information at our disposal. He is an embarassment to our great nation and IF he had any decency and honour, he would step down and make way for someone suitable. As he is so sadly lacking in these attributes, we must put up with him and await further revelations. How very, very, sad for decent people.

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Fans burning to see favorite acts at music fest - Sioux City Journal

Posted: 12 Feb 2010 09:25 PM PST

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SIOUX CITY -- Tired of the cold and snow? It's not too early to think warm thoughts by handicapping the musical lineup for the 20th anniversary of Saturday in the Park.

That's what 1,045 fans of the psychedelic alt-rock band The Flaming Lips think. Their Facebook page "Please book The Flaming Lips for Satuday (sic) in the Park in Sioux City 2010" has been attracting followers since January. The annual summer party is schedule for July 3.

Similarly inspired, 1,120 fans had signed onto a "Get the Dave Matthews Band to Saturday in the Park 2010!!" Facebook page by Friday afternoon. Alas, the band already has a gig in East Troy, Wis., on July 3.

Another Facebook page, requesting the group O.A.R. to headline Saturday in the Park has attracted more than 400 fans.

"It's totally cool that people are rooting for their favorite bands," said Dave Bernstein, who, along with colleague Adam Feiges, created Saturday in the Park. Bernstein said he's aware of the three Facebook pushes.

"I'm thinking of Saturday in the Park in February because I have to," he said with a laugh. "It's nice knowing other people are doing the same thing, too."

Do such Net-roots appeals sway organizers? According to Bernstein, it never hurts. But it's just one of many complicated criteria.

So, who will be playing SITP this year? Bernstein isn't saying.

"Since we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary, this year," he said, "all I can say is that it's gonna be really special."

Speakout: Who do you want to see playing the 2010 version of Saturday in the Park? Tell us about it at siouxcityjournal.com.

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