“Make My Day - American Reporter” plus 4 more |
- Make My Day - American Reporter
- Letters: Who will stop Franklins' demise? - El Paso Times
- Alerus Center releases Spears concert stats - Grand Forks Herald
- Madonna & Gaga's Catfight On SNL - Seattle Post Intelligencer
- Police: ‘Divine Intervention’ Saved Travis Barker, DJ AM In Crash - Access Hollywood
| Make My Day - American Reporter Posted: 05 Oct 2009 11:12 PM PDT Make My Day PARIS FOR PREZ by Erik Deckers American Reporter Humor Writer Indianapolis, Indiana
Printable version of this story INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- It was the snit heard 'round the world. The snarky, scantily-clad video response that got pundits tongues wagging about something other than politics, at least until their wives saw them. Maybe its echo has faded from the news, but it still makes me wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Paris Hilton says she's running for President. The vapid blond heiress and star of "The Simple Life," announced her candidacy in a spoof video on FunnyOrDie.com. Hilton said she was running because that "wrinkly white-haired guy" - John McCain, for those of you emerging from under your rocks - used her image in a television spot against his opponent, presumptive President of the United States, Barack Obama. "Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton, and I'm a celebrity too," she said without a sense of irony or shame. "Only I'm not from the olden days, and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot." Oh man, this is really bad. I've always been a big supporter of third party candidates, but my one litmus test is whether they can even spell "candidate." And that they haven't starred in an Internet sex video/ I swear, if she wins, I'm moving to Canada with Alec Baldwin, unless he chickens out like he did last time. (Big wussy. The guy swore up and down he would move to Canada if George Bush became President, but we're stuck with him and his 17 brothers.) Still, I don't think she's got a real shot, so I'll probably be here for a while. "But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which means I guess I'm running for President," she continued. Yeah, right. By that logic, since her boyfriend used her in that sex video, I guess that would make her a slut. . . Uh, oh. This is worse than I thought! Do they get the NFL in Canada? Can I get the Dish Network to work up there? "So thanks for the endorsement, white-haired dude, and I want America to know I'm, like, totally ready to lead." Oh, good, as long as you're totally ready. I mean, we wouldn't want someone who was , like, only concerned about whether certain other world leaders are, like, hot, or whether the White House clashes with her outfits. She'll probably appoint Extreme Makerover's Ty Pennington the Secretary of the Department of the Interior to make sure. "I'll see you at the White House," she concluded. "Oh, and I might paint it pink." Looks like I've got a tough decision to make. Do I go for the big city or the small town? I've been to Toronto, and it's a nice city with a strong arts community. But if I lived in a smaller town, I'd be closer to nature and some really good fishing. Dryden, Ontario is gorgeous in the summer. But even as I pace the floor and gnaw on my fingernails, I have to admit, her energy policy made some sense. "We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight, while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. That way, offshore drilling carries us until the new technologies kick in, which will create new jobs and energy independence. Energy crisis solved. I'll see you at the debates, bitches." But then she, like, totally shot herself in the foot when she said she was considering Rihanna, the R&B artist, as her vice presidential nominee. Come on! Rihanna?! Are you kidding me? Everyone knows she doesn't have the foreign affairs experience needed to re-establish the U.S. as a world leader. Plus, she was born in Barbados, so she's not a natural-born American citizen, which means she can't take on that role. While some people would say Britney Spears, Hilton's fellow celeb and John McCain commercial target, is the emotional favorite, I think Cameron Diaz is the better choice. She can shore up the Hispanic vote and improve relations with Latin America. Of course, you'll also need Ashton Kutcher to head up the Department of Homeland Security (Hey Iran, you've been punk'd!). And what do you think of Scarlett Johansen as the Secretary of State... ? Uh, excuse me. I don't know what came over me. If anything, I'm worrying too much about something that will never happen. Hilton is only 27, eight years too young to run for president, which means I don't have to worry about a global disaster for eight more years. But with her sordid past, I doubt she could even be elected dogcatcher of Putnam County. Besides, I'm hoping Lindsey Lohan will be out of rehab and ready to run for Senate by 2016.
Copyright 2009 Joe Shea The American Reporter. All Rights Reserved.
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| Letters: Who will stop Franklins' demise? - El Paso Times Posted: 05 Oct 2009 11:05 PM PDT Who will stop Franklins' demise? What irony that Ken Burns' tribute to our national parks was on PBS as bulldozers once again encroach upon the natural beauty adjoining the Franklin Mountains State Park. Entire mountains in the region have been systematically slashed down, cut apart, gashed and stripped, and soon every approach to the state park may look like them and the mountain by McKelligan Canyon. Once this happens to the delicate ecosystem, there is no recovery. As our national treasures have had to be protected in a continuing battle for over a hundred years, what can be done for the scenic natural treasures that make our city and region so special? Where are the voices of those charged with protecting our city and mountains? What power might come if all civic organizations, neighborhood preservation groups, social clubs, churches, school and university systems, Scout troops, nature and preservation societies, museums, businesses and concerned citizens joined together to say STOP before all that make our mountains and city so unique has been taken. Can we prevent El Paso, once the Pass to the North, from becoming the Gash to the North? Juawanna Newman Lower Valley Toll road Please, someone, explain why the border highway was chosen as the first toll road in El Paso County. Did anyone on City Council, the MPO or the Texas Department of Transportation study the demographics of the Lower Valley? This demographic area is the lowest income level and has the highest unemployment in El Paso County and the Border Highway has the lowest traffic count of any limited access highway in the city.This decision does not make any common sense. Dick Bowen Lower Valley Heat frustration During the summer months, people in El Paso tend to show their frustrations with the heat, the children being home with "nothing to do," and whatever else occupies their time, by taking pot shots at anything and anyone. This is called writing letters to the editor. Some of the letters are well-written, coherent, and intelligent on the subject matter. Sadly, however, most are just drivel, with no truism to them, just a way to "blow off steam." Perhaps, if those who truly want to have their say, whether on political, social, economical, or personal issues, would inform themselves about what they want to say, we would all benefit from their views. Citizens of El Paso need to get involved in their local government. You don't have to run for office or be out campaigning for a candidate to be involved. Don't just watch City Council meetings on TV; make it a point to attend (that means physically be there). If you're there when an issue is being discussed and you don't understand what it's about, ASK the members of the City Council. Educate and inform yourselves -- then write your letters. Anita R. Cortes Northeast El Paso Editor's choice Editor Chris Lopez defended his promotion of Britney Spears on the front page of the Times in order to gain new readership from her young fans. Choosing the content of the paper based on the cultural and other preferences of potential and current subscribers must be sound newspaper business: the more subscribers, the more the paper can charge for advertising. I therefore am not surprised that Mr. Lopez did not waste space by including a professional review of last weekend's El Paso Symphony Orchestra's program; the appeal of the latter attracted only a fraction of those who worship Britney. And no matter that the latter might have judged that the expertise of the orchestra, the brilliance of Maestra Ioannides' conducting, the virtuosity of violinist Jennifer Koh, and the musical genius of the program's composers offered a bit more than Miss Spears. But Mr. Lopez did allow a colorful but technically unqualified review of the symphony by Doug Pullen, a music critic who admits that he is no expert on classical music. No businessperson here would find fault with Mr. Lopez's editorial choices unless they happen to contribute to both the symphony and the advertising revenue of the Times. Robert E. Lingle West El Paso Hail damage Since the recent hailstorm (windows still broken, stucco pelted by golfball-sized hail), neighbors are slowly placing claims to fix or repair damages to their homes. I have to ask this question: The homes that are vacant and have hail damage, who is responsible for the repair and upkeep of these vacant homes? It brings vagrancy and makes the neighborhood run down. Due to the recession, houses are already devalued. Let's not add to it by ignoring the obvious. Diane Caisse East El Paso |
| Alerus Center releases Spears concert stats - Grand Forks Herald Posted: 05 Oct 2009 10:15 PM PDT It ain't cheap putting on a concert, especially a concert as big as Britney Spears' "The Circus," which cost Grand Forks' Alerus Center $1.2 million to put on. The city-owned events center made $1.1 million from the concert. All that stacks up against the $1.9 million that concertgoers are estimated to have spent in town after the concert, based on an ongoing survey by UND economist David Flynn. The events center also paid local vendors and workers — $103,800 — and sales tax on tickets sold — $9,100 in city sales tax, not including the sales tax dedicated to the events center. These numbers come courtesy of the Alerus Center, which released its profits and losses for the Sept. 12 concert Monday at a press conference. "I think we have fulfilled our mission," Executive Director Steve Hyman told reporters, referring to a mission statement that calls for bringing events to town and having an economic impact. Nevertheless, Britney Spears was a mixed success. The events center had aimed for both a strong economic impact, which it got, and a strong profit, which it didn't. Had everything gone exactly as planned, the events center would've earned $300,000, Hyman said. Losing $97,000, he said, "it was within what we thought could be a worse case scenario." Down to earth But the disappointment may not be the Alerus Center's alone. The attendance of 13,019 is comparable to, and in many cases higher than, attendance at other venues on the second leg of Britney Spears' North American tour. Prompted by a reporter's question about this, Hyman said he would not offer any excuses. But, he added, "My understanding is we were ahead of the curve for this leg of the tour compared to the other ZIP codes she was in." Back in June, when the Alerus Center trumpeted that it was bringing the notorious pop diva to town, she had just finished an extremely successful tour in which attendance routinely fell from 16,000 to 18,000. The Alerus Center made 18,845 seats available, close to the full capacity of the building for a concert. But as summer wore on, Rolling Stone magazine was reporting that big stars such as Britney Spears and Aerosmith were struggling. Promoters cut the number of seats at the Alerus Center to about 13,000. They offered UND students floor tickets, worth $95, for $20. The Alerus Center ultimately came within a few hundred short of a sell out. The final attendance figure of 13,019 included a few hundred suite holders. Giant among giants How did everyone else do? The numbers aren't yet widely available. Alerus Center officials are going off of a fan blog called Britney Spears Entertains. The blog has accurate numbers for the Alerus Center and cites Billboard magazine. If numbers for other venues are also accurate, here are the ones that had lower attendance than the Alerus Center: Amway Arena in Orlando, Fla.; Philips Arena in Atlanta; Greensboro Coliseum in Greensboro, N.C.; Palace of Auburn Hills in Auburn Hills, Mich.; Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines, Iowa; BOK Center in Tulsa, Okla.; the Toyota Center in Houston; CenturyTel Center in Bossier, La.; Don Haskins Center in El Paso; and the San Diego Sports Arena. In almost all cases, these venues also earned less in ticket revenues than the Alerus Center. That's in spite of the significantly larger population that they enjoy compared to Grand Forks. The closest in size to Grand Forks was Bossier City, whose metro population is more than three times as large. Houston, the farthest in size, has a metro population of 5.7 million, or 58 times as large. What happened in Grand Forks, Hyman said, will help the Alerus Center get more concerts from AEG Live. There are two major concerts that are on hold for the area in 2010, he said. Risk reduction Nevertheless, losses in the high five figures are not the sorts of things that occur in most city departments, and the events center is essentially a city department, albeit a very special one voted into being by city residents. It's not clear how the Alerus Center decides which concerts are too risky and which too good to pass up. Hyman did not shed too much light on the matter Monday though he said he does a lot of research, a lot of calculations and a lot of consultation with events center commissioners and his boss at VenuWorks, the Ames, Iowa, company that has the events center's management contract. Certainly from the earlier trumpeting, events center officials saw Britney Spears as a major "get." Hyman said he looks at where a concert has been, what's its "caliber" and what it's "ramifications" are for the community. He then looks at financial projections and plans to earn a profit. "I don't go in assuming I'm going to lose any kind of money," he said. Curt Kreun, City Council member and chairman of the Alerus Center commission, defended the events center's performance. "Did the city make money? That's our goal," he said, noting the economic impact. "We have to be very wise about how we approach risk," Council President Hal Gershman said. "Even though Dr. Flynn's bottom line for the city was positive, I think you have to approach a major concert with great care." Reach Tran at (701) 780-1248; (800) 477-6572, ext. 248; or send e-mail to ttran@gfherald.com. |
| Madonna & Gaga's Catfight On SNL - Seattle Post Intelligencer Posted: 05 Oct 2009 04:03 PM PDT Madonna And Lady Gaga stunned America on Saturday night by staging a catfight on live TV. The two pop divas performed a synchronized dance-off, dressed in matching black lingerie and knee-high boots, as part of a comedy skit on Saturday Night Live, which was called to a halt when Madonna started pulling Gaga's wig and throttling her, yelling, "What the hell is a disco stick?" - referring to the younger star's hit. The feuding pair was separated by the host of fictitious MTV show Deep House Dish, but a comedy war of words ensued as Gaga, the show's musical guest, cooed, "Guess what Madonna, I'm totally hotter than you," to which the Material Girl replied, "Hey guess what, I'm taller than you. What sort of a name is Lady Gaga; it sounds like baby food!" The pop pair ended the skit by moving in to kiss each other and then attacking SNL regular Kenan Thompson instead. It was a star-studded Saturday Night Live with Ryan Reynolds guest hosting and his wife Scarlett Johansson playing his comedy spouse in a skit about a family porcelain fountain firm. Reynolds also raised laughs as a prison dance instructor in fictitious show So You Committed A Crime & You Think You Can Dance, a segment hosted by comedian Andy Samberg as Britney Spears' overweight ex Kevin Federline. |
| Police: ‘Divine Intervention’ Saved Travis Barker, DJ AM In Crash - Access Hollywood Posted: 05 Oct 2009 02:37 PM PDT COLUMBIA, S.C. -- One of the first responders to a fiery South Carolina plane crash said Wednesday that Travis Barker and DJ AM escaped the flaming wreckage by sliding down the wing. "They said the plane went down. They didn't say how or if they knew," said Lt. Jason Shumpert of the South Congaree Police Department. "Once it went down, they were able to slide down the wing of the plane, and they jumped on each other to put fires on each other out and rolled around on the ground." Shumpert said he didn't know until later that the two badly burned men were former Blink-182 drummer Barker and celebrity disc jockey DJ AM, whose real name is Adam Goldstein. One of their doctors at a Georgia burn hospital said he expects them to fully recover from their second- and third-degree burns. A video of the Friday night crash scene shot from Shumpert's police car shows an inferno next to the road, with screams ringing out above the din of sirens of ambulances and fire trucks. Shumpert said the screaming voice belonged to Barker, who was trembling and seemed to be in intense pain as he sat on the sidewalk, waiting for medical help to arrive. "Travis, you could tell he was in pain," Shumpert said. "He just kept saying: 'That's my friends in the plane, that's my friends in the plane."' Pilot Sarah Lemmon, 31, of Anaheim Hills, Calif., and co-pilot James Bland, 52, of Carlsbad, Calif., died of smoke inhalation and burns within minutes of the crash. A South Carolina coroner has said Chris Baker, 29, of Studio City, Calif., and Charles Still, 25, of Los Angeles, close friends of the musicians, died on impact. Barker, 32, was one of the more colorful members of the multiplatinum-selling punk rock band Blink-182. DJ AM is a popular DJ who was also a tabloid favorite for some celebrity romances. Officials with the National Transportation Safety Board have not said what caused the crash. A cockpit voice recorder revealed that crew members thought a tire blew and tried to abort the takeoff. The Learjet shot off the end of the runway, ripped through a fence and crossed a highway before coming to rest, engulfed in flames. NTSB officials, who have recovered pieces of tire from the runway, planned to return to Washington on Thursday. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co., which made the tires, has said it is cooperating with the investigation. A spokesman for a clothing company Barker owns said Tuesday the drummer had been through several surgeries and was trying to keep an upbeat attitude. Regardless of what caused the crash, Shumpert said both men are lucky to be alive. "It was divine intervention that they got out," he said. "They should be commended for being able to get out and keep their heads together." Copyright 2009 by Associated Press. All rights reserved. Keep your Access to everything in Hollywood! Breaking news and personal commentary from Nancy, Billy, Tony, Shaun, Maria & all of our producers! Follow us on Facebook and Twitter now! |
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